Lunchtime in the Crossover Cafeteria
by YuriFan5
Summary: Back by poluar demand. The cast of Ranma1/2, Inuyasha and various other anime get together to discuss their latest fanfic jobs. Rated T for lots of swearing. God knows I would too if I had their jobs.
1. Why you don't piss off the characters

AN: I know, you all want me to update TL, but the plot bunnies wouldn't leave me alone. Blame them! I also don't own anything referenced here-in.

Ranma and Saffron both placed their trays on the table and then gingerly settled into their seats.

"God damnit Saffron, if I have to go back and fight you one more time, I dunno what I'm gonna do!"

"You would think these fanficton writers could be a bit more imaginative. I mean, I'm not a psychotic killer naturally! It is clearly pointed out that the only reason I go on a killing spree is because the premature hatching caused mental instability."

"I heard that!" Ranma looked up to find Akane walking over, setting her tray next to theirs on the lunch table.

"Hey guys, have you seen the new script?" Kagome walked over, followed by Inuyasha, waving a rather thick booklet. Ranma groaned and let his head hit the table. "Tell me it's not another mega-crossover."

"It isn't…suprisingly. It's just a normal crossover between, you guessed it, both of our shows."

"Why is that setup so popular?" Akane pondered aloud.

"Feh, isn't it obvious, we're both written by Takahashi Rumiko, plus the English dub just about doubled its popularity." Ranma let loose a large sigh.

"So what is it this time?"

Kagome opened up the script and paged through it. "Hmmm… oh, you're gonna _love_ this one. It's the old 'Ranma and Akane end in the feudal era, and switch parters' bit."

"Damn, does that mean that I end up with Inuyasha AGAIN!"

"*sigh* No, it's worse, you and I end up together, and somehow Ranma's girl side and Inuyasha end up together."

Ranma's hand, previously gripping the table edge firmly when he heard Akane's statement, broken through the wood when he heard Kagome's reply.

"What! Just because I have a girl side doesn't mean I like guys! God damnit, how many times do I have to say that I like women before people realize it. I'm a guy! Whether or not I am male!"

"What the hell are you complaining about Ranma, have you even seen my lines!" Inuyasha exclaimed, " Apparently I get all the corny lines as well as a miraculous amount of sensitivity."

"Yeah, well at least both of you get a decent amount of straight pairings, 80% of my pairings are lesbian relationships."

"Just tell me there isn't a sex scene, please!" Ranma begged. "Inuyasha quickly flipped through the script. After finding a three page long lemon scene, he started cursing like a sailor.

The author came into the lunch room, and sat down next to the upset group. He was a pudgy man, with a small set of glasses upon his head. His belt was on far too tight, making his large belly spill over the edge (basically the stereotypical guy who lives in his parent's basement). "Hey guys, I look forward to working with everyone. Please take good care of me." Three menacing glares found him. "Oh yes, we will definitely 'take care of you'," an evil laugh escape Ranma's lips, "Inuyasha!"

"Way ahead of you," he said, grabbing Tetsusaiga. They both dragged the author away from the table and towards a nearby empty closet.

"Wait up for me guys, I wanna break his knee-caps," called out Akane.

"Break my...wait, what… you can't be serious… somebody help meee-" His cries were cut off as the door slammed shut.

AN: Like I said, pretty short, but I thought it was quite amusing to point out some of the sillier fannons going around. Now review. Seriously. See that button there at the bottom of the page, yeah that one, the one with green text. Click it and submit a review.


	2. Menage a trois

Disclaimer: I own nothing, you got that?

AN: Can't you people ever be satisfied with just one chapter? Fine, back by popular demand, Lunchtime at the Crossover Café, super, gold-plated, 360elite, with sprinkles and a cherry on top, edition.

Inuyasha slammed his tray down on the table. "Damnit, what is with these crossover writers? It's like they are intentionally writing this to put strains on our lives." Inuyasha glared disgustedly at their latest Yu Yu Hakusho crossover. Kagome came over and set her tray down much more sedately.

"At least you don't have to get into a romantic relationship with two men at the same time… In ANY of the ones we are currently doing." Inuyasha growled. He had been stuck with the 'selfish asshole who only cares about Kikyou' template, and told he had to drive Kagome away. She would then fall into the waiting arms of Yoko Kurama, who later introduced her to Hiei. Yadda yadda yadda, she can't decide who she loves more, blah blah blah, they decide to share.

"It makes me sick just thinking about it." Inuyasha had to hold back a gag.

"I don't like it any more than you do, hun." Kagome rubbed his back sympathetically.

"Damnit Kagome," Inuyasha was seriously holding back tears. He slammed his fist on the table, "Do you know how much it hurts me to do that to you?" (AN: Hey, tough guys can have feelings too, ne?)

"You think you have it difficult? I have to pretend to be head over heels in love with a woman I have no feelings for. At least you and Kikyou are friends." Yoko Kurama sat down near them.

"I concur," human Kurama came and sat down. He opened his script to an earmarked page he had been having extreme difficulty with, "Apparently, shortly after we agree to 'share', I'm supposed to be engaged in a rather," he grimaced, "_graphic_ kiss scene with Hiei." Everyone at the table remembered the filming of that one scene particularly well…

*flashback*

"God damnit, Kurama! For the love of god just get it right!" This was the fourth time that they had refilmed the kiss scene, and even Hiei, stoic as he was, was starting to get annoyed.

"It's easy for you to say Hiei, you're bi. Such relationships go against my personal beliefs."(AN: Hey why not, I mean, you need to be open to all things when you are a fan fiction actor.)

Hiei muttered something about working in the anime business and beliefs not mixing.

…

Ten filmings in.

"More tongue," came from the director, who was obviously a yaoi fangirl.

…

Twenty filmings in.

"No, you need more passionate groping!" Guess who?

…

Twenty-five filmings of the same scene since they started, and the director finally gave it the thumbs up. The entire crew and cast burst into applause.

*end flashback*

Hiei, who had just sat down, quickly caught up on what they were reminiscing about, and shuddered.

"It's not the kissing that I minded so much, as all the crap I had to do for my fiancée to show that I was serious about our relationship." Hiei shuddered once again at the long hours of chores she had made him do, not to mention the foot massages that lasted hours.

"It is not as bad as the one we are starting later today." Seshoumaru placed his tray down near the group. Rin, following close behind, hopped up onto his lap. "It's is another 'sharing' fic between myself and Inuyasha with Kagome."

Hiei and Kurama just shared a glance, and then both turned to face Seshoumaru.

"I don't see how yours is worse than ours."

"Apparently Rin walks by and…well, see for yourself." Seshoumaru handed the script across the table. Hiei and Kurama turned green at the description. It was a rather detailed scene where Rin caught them in a ménage a trios.

"There are some things that kids aren't meant to see their parents doing."

Shippo, who by this time was sitting in Kagome's lap, nodded his head sagely. "I remember the first time I caught Kagome and Inuyasha sha-" His voice was cut off by both Inuyasha's and Kagome's hands covering his mouth.

Everyone sweat dropped. Ranma chose this moment to drop in on the group, along with the rest of the Ranma crew. "Yo, how is everyone." A chorus of responses answered him.

"So Ranma," Kagome enquired, "how's that latest fan fiction coming for you?"

"I'm actually having a lot of fun with it-"

"That's because you get to run around and play with swords," Ryouga interrupted.

" So I like playing with sharp pointy objects, what's wrong with that?" Everyone big sweated. Only Ranma could say something like that with a straight face.

AN: Whew, that took longer than I thought. Once again, thank you to my beta, Hitokiri Hero, who constantly puts up with my ever increasingly erratic schedule. See that button down there. Yeah, the one with the word "review" on it, click it!


	3. Don't Piss off the Martial Artist

AN: Let me reiterate this, since some people cannot get it. All of these Crossovers will involve either Ranma ½ or Inuyasha in some way, shape, or form. Stop asking me to do random crossovers like Tenchi Muyo X Sailor Moon *shudder*, 'cause it ain't gonna happen.

Disclaimer: Do I really need one? If I owned this I wouldn't be writing fan fiction about them.

When we left off last time…

"_So Ranma," Kagome enquired, "how's that latest __fanfic__ coming for you?"_

"_I'm actually having a lot of fun with it-"_

"_That's because you get to run around and play with swords," Ryouga interrupted._

"_So I like playing with sharp pointy objects, what's wrong with that?" Everyone big sweated. Only Ranma could say something like that with a straight face._

And now the continuation…

Akane facepalmed. _Why did I fall in love with this guy again?_ She sighed. "I still think he's having waaaaay too much fun on that crossover with Claymore.

"Oh c'mon, give me a break. Can you honestly say that you wouldn't have fun with a giant sword… **that you get to keep**… in exchange for killing a few demons with it while your hair is dyed silver?"

Kagome snickered, "Inuyasha already has that station covered. Sorry Ranma."

AN: Seriously, am I the only one seeing the similarity there?

Ryouga blinked, "Wait… you get to **keep** the sword?! Where do I sign up?"

Ranma held a hand up, "Sorry Ryouga, women and half women only. And don't be in such a rush to go and get a female curse. It's pain in the ass when you are forced to be female around _that_ time of the month." The way he said it left no question as to what "_that_" referred to.

"Really Ranma? I had no idea…" Kagome inquired.

"Well, forced in the sense that I can't stay away from cold water at that time. Why do you think Akane and I are always unavailable the same days of the month."

"You mean…"

"Yep, our periods are synced."

Kagome blushed. She, as well as quite a few at the table, was re-adjusting just what they thought the two of them had done on the days they took off.

"Baka," Akane smacked him upside the head, "you're not supposed to tell everyone about it."

"Itai," Ranma rubbed his head, "how about I give you a nice shoulder rub to make up for it?"

"Well… I suppose I can forgive you, if you do it well."

Kagome snickered. Yes, Ranma had learned how to avoid stepping on social landmines quite well. She cleared her throat.

"So, Ranma, where did you learn how to give a shoulder rub?"

"Eh, oh it's just some stuff that Tofu-sensei showed me." He went back to his ministrations. Judging by the absolutely divine look of relaxation on Akane's face, it was probably more than that.

_Oh yes, I simply must have Inuyasha spend more time with Tofu-sensei, if this is the result._

As Kagome was eyeing Inuyasha in a way that made him far too uncomfortable, a courier entered the room.

"Mail Call!"

The man walked around passing out everyone's scripts. Ranma, seeing Akane was slightly out of it in her relaxed state, told the courier he would take hers for her.

Ranma took one look at his script cover and a tick mark appeared on his head. He calmly stood up and laid Akane down softly. Akane's comfort secured, his battle aura burst into life. "Pretty Fucking Sammy my-"

AN: As this next scene contains far too much violence and profanity for even an M rated story, let alone a T rated one, please enjoy this nice depiction of a peaceful meadow instead.

The bunnies hopped peacefully through the tranquil meadow. They skittered and scurried about their merry way. Look, some deer have come down to take a drink from the lake. They prance and they trot their merry ways along. Meanwhile, birds are chirping in the trees, and the air is perfumed with the scent of spring flowers. Ah, isn't this peaceful.

(If you've seen an anime called Hayate no Gotoku or Hayate the Combat Butler, you'll know this gets used a lot. It's always a good laugh!)

AN: We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Ranma, now female and dripping wet, panted in exhaustion. A couple of workers were bringing in a new table and several chairs. Meanwhile, several other workers were in various parts of the room, trying to get off the distinct burn marks made by chi blasts.

"I swear I'm gonna castrate the fucker who wrote this!"

"Um Ranma, not to send you into another tirade, but the author's name is a woman's name."

Ranma cracked her knuckles, "Hehe, tube tying is just as fine." Ranma stalked off cackling maniacally.

Kagome bigsweated. She wondered just what she had unleashed upon that poor author.

AN: Hey everyone, how did I do? I was going for that effect where violence is replaced with the picture of a meadow with peaceful music. I think it happens a lot in cartoons. Anyway, tell me if I did it right, or if my peaceful meadow interlude needs more work. As always, reviews are appreciated.

I apologize for submitting this earlier. I originally, wrote it somewhere near mid-November , but then I just collapsed for a day after finals, and then I had to submit it to my beta, who was on vacation or something, so a bunch of factors contributed to the long wait. Hope they were worth it.


	4. Debts

AN: Hey everyone, sorry about dropping off the map. I promise that TL will be finished eventually, and I could give you lots of reasons, for not updating, such as health problems or college getting in the way, and while those are valid, honestly I hit a roadblock on how to write a particular scene. Anyway, enjoy this super late chapter.

Ch4: Debts

Ranma sat in his chair on set, munching on a sandwich while waiting for his next scene. He perused his way through the script, flipping through all the boring filler chapters till his next scene. Let us read over his shoulder.

Ranma enters the house, calling out that he is home. He raises an eyebrow when he is met with silence. Even Kasumi's normal humming from the kitchen is absent, despite it being the middle of the day.

Ranma: Huh, wonder where everyone is?

Ranma walks through the house, calling random family member's names, hoping someone would reply.

Ranma's Thoughts: Heck, I'd even take the old letch right now. This place is kinda creepy when it's empty.

Ranma spots an already opened envelope on the table. He picks up the envelope, reading the note first.

Note(Kasumi's Voice): Ranma-kun, we've goon to retrieve our fathers from this foolishness. Please be safe. P.S. There's some food in the fridge.

Ranma chuckles to himself.

Ranma's Thoughts: Ah Kasumi, always looking out for me, what would I do without you? *snort* Prob'ly build a campfire in the yard and cook rice over it, since that's all Pop ever taught me to make.

He inspects the envelope, finding it to have a clean edge cut right over where the glue is.

Ranma's Thoughts: Nabiki's work.

He flips over the envelope, and, finding it addressed to him, he pulls the letter out of the envelope and reads it. At the top is Soun's neat writing, with his father's sloppy scrawl at the bottom.

Letter (Soun's voice): Ranma, your father has managed to get us some funds to take a short vacation, so we are traveling over-seas to visit America and try our hands at Las Vegas. Don't worry, we hired an interpreter. Expect us back in a few weeks. While we are gone you are the man of the house. Take care Ranma.

Letter(Genma's voice): Boy, I have found some nice people to take care of you while we are gone. Show some gratitude to them. Do whatever they tell you to.

As Ranma finished reading, he heard a knock at the door. As he stood up, he saw through a window a large group of people in black suits. All had bulges in their coats.

Ranma's Thoughts: Bastard sold me to the Yakuza! I knew he couldn't save up enough to go over-seas. Hell, that fat panda doesn't even know how to save.

Ranma employed the umi-senken and ran away strategically retreated.

Ranma flipped forward some more.

Ranma was currently in a park somewhere on the edge of Tokyo. It was late evening, and it was starting to get cold. Well, cold to Ranma's standards. In his light coat and worn jean (both bought at a thrift store), most people would be on Hypothermia's doorstep. Snow was falling, and with the amount of time he had just been sitting on this bench, a thin layer had built up on the ground around him. Even dying his hair light blue and cutting it short, he still hadn't changed quite enough to elude the Yakuza. He'd even started using a different name, since his old name was too well known. They claimed that his father borrowed ¥156,804,000 (roughly $1.5 million), and they were going to use him to work it off, since they didn't have power over in America. Fat chance.

As he sat sulking mulling over his fate, he heard a voice loudly complain about a vending machine.

Nagi's Voice(Off-screen): What's up with this machine! It won't take my card.

Ranma looked up to see a short girl with two long blond pigtails trying to insert a credit card into a vending machine. Ranma sighed and felt around in his pocket. The ¥2000 he earned from cleaning out Old Lady Yamada's attic ( and boy were her cookies good too), had dwindled down to a measly ¥105. He sighed and walked over to her.

Ranma: Excuse me, Ojou-chan, I have change here you can use.

Damn him and his weakness for little children. He deposited his ¥100 in the machine.

Nagi: Uhn, Thanks, I'll pay you back. Name's Nagi.

She held out a petite hand, which he shook.

Ranma: Hayate

Ranma was broken out of his reading when a name called out to him.

"Oi, Ranma, you're on!"

He sighed, he hadn't even gotten to finish his tea. Oh well.

AN: Ok, honestly, how many of you saw that coming?


End file.
